i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I CAN MOONWALK!
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
