in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
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