I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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