Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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