Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
