And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
