Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
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