The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
