that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Randomize
