i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
