Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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