Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Randomize
