and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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