I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
