My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Randomize
