It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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