I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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