Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
