What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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