Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
