No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
