She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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