She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Randomize
