Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
