Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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