a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
