Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
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