I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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