I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
