so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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