and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
