I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
