My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
