When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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