i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
