what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
