im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
