I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
he's gonorrhea incarnate
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
