i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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