mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I AM VODKA MAN
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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