And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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