Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
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