If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
