My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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