I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
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