I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
