thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
did i walk over a car last night?
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
