best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Randomize