You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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