Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
