if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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