You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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