All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize