I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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