Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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