im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
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