She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
