i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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