so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
you didnt know i had herpes?
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
