Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
